Language is All!

As a person who desires high-level proficiency in communication, more and more I realize the incredible learning lab that parenting two pre-schoolers is for me. I am taking notes and trying not to miss any of the lessons.  As I will continue to share, I believe with all of my heart that the inhabitants of school spaces need to be trained in talking with one another just as deliberately as we are trained to teach content.  After all, much of the work that we want schools to accomplish is either buoyed or stymied by grown folks' ability to have real conversations with one another about our work. I think that not only can book studies and professional trainings like Crucial Conversations help us, but that we also need language to help us navigate hard conversations.   In a recent post I shared some language that I like about sifting through assumptions.  As words come to me, I will be sharing them here to hopefully help someone else.  Eventually I realize I probably need to collect the language snippets I hear in my head and try out on my colleagues and kids, and put them in a book! But for now, here they are.

This past Saturday, as I was talking to my 4-1/2-year-old, he was trying to use his incredible gift of gab to convince me to do something I wasn't about to.  It was exhausting. I want both of my babies to know how to advocate for themselves--but I also want them to know when it's truly time to hush, to listen and say okay.  So this is the language I used, and I will continue to use it even with adults:

"Time-out.  What I need to hear from you right now, and in times like this, is..."

This gave us a few potent points of connection and re-framing:

"Time-out..."  This, with my time-out hand signals, let it be known that our dialogue was heading off-track and we needed to just stop to give our attention to its direction.

"What I need to hear from you..." I'm letting it be known the kind of response that will get the most favor and be the most beneficial for me and for him, and which is likely land us in a good place.  By definition, it also helps define what the right response is NOT.  This also helps my child, or my listener, to develop a lens for empathy.  Looking through my eyes, which they may not have considered trying, could shed some new light on our discussion.  Granted, my son is not my equal, but a "subordinate"; it may not work quite the same with equals.  I think that it can easily work with equals, however, when they have both expressed a desire to do what helps the other to be their best.  It suggests interdependence, trust, connection, accountability.

"[What I need to hear from you] right now, and in times like this..."
If my child is busy trying to push a point and is missing the fact that we are in a critical moment, he may not understand that his handling of it can make our break his outcome.  I'm narrowing down the story line and bringing our focus to this small moment to shine a spotlight there.

"[What I need to hear from you] right now, and in times like this..."
I'm giving my child a clear road map for reading the signals in different situations.  I want him to understand that you can generalize similar situations and surmise that the approach I'm about to share will work in all similar situations--at least where I'm concerned.

Once the phrase came together in my mind, I literally used it about 4 times that day.  Every time, it connected.  It made sense.  It cut down on the noise created by extra words, by mommy frustration, or by kid chatter.  And I look forward to trying it out in the professional world and in my personal world of adults, when the time is right.
Love and light,